Man From His Private Jet: “You Oil Workers Don’t Need Jobs That Hurt The Environment”

by Kyle Robinson

-- As the shutdowns continue to wreak havoc on millions of Americans, there is a subsection of Americans that are grateful to have their employment with the Keystone Pipeline. The construction of a pipeline from Canada to Texas has kept tens of thousands of Americans keeping paychecks coming in.

“We saw that there was an unusually happy group of hard working Americans and we looked at each other and decided that we simply couldn’t have this,” said the long-faced John Kerry who specializes in being an ignorant jackass. “What they do not understand is that jobs are a social construct that disenfranchise the minorities and support white supremacy... Trump!”

Kerry consistently warns of the effects of climate change in cities around the world via his private jet.

“He was even kind enough to give me an hour tour of the jet!” stated an inebriated Dr. Phil.

The jet comes complete with a kitchen, gym, bathroom facilities and movie theatre all paid for by the Heinz Ketchup fortune.